Shingeki no Science and
by TremblingHands
Summary: Because Hanji...


"…and research-"

"No" he said, cutting her off.

"But- but it'll only take a minute, I swear. The time-consuming bit is in the research itself, but the report will be condensed into at least one hundred pages this time, the results alone could be chapter upon endless chapter of course, but it should only take you a few hours to read anyway, and besides…"

She continued to drone on while he went about his morning routine. He had already given her the allotted time of day which included pleasantries "Get the fuck outt've my office, Shitty-glasses" and, just now, the regular turn-down to be her little science experiment for the day. He was so accustomed to it he was barely even phased when he had returned to his room after training one evening to find her equipment set up and the bat-shit crazy woman going through his sheets with a fine tooth comb. Her new assistant, Moblit or whatever, had noticed him come in and was quaking in his boots wearily whispering "Bun-taichou, we've been found out, we should quickly and quietly exit" whilst trying to gather up the scattered equipment. He'd just promptly ignored them both and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom to clean himself up.

"-and… Levi? Are you listening?"

"Hn?"

"I was saying that if you could just tighten the straps by another loophole then I could measure whether or not…"

Seriously though, when had this started? He'd tried –well, if you could call not scowling and sending her away through pure black aural density and willpower trying- playing nice with the crazy woman coz Farlan had insisted he try to be sociable. Well, that and she had treated Isabel fairly decently considering they were pretty infamous Underground thugs, though he and Farlan had had one helluva headache with trying to keep a sugar-high Isabel from singing down the place. However, it had been almost four years- and a promotion each- since then and clearly, extending the branch of politeness had not worked out in his favour. What would Farlan say, he wondered, if he had to see how far this (seriously, can this even be considered a relationship?) relationship had progressed. The woman invaded his personal space, touching him whenever she wanted and without warning, yet she still lives- and has all her fingers. Yes, Farlan would be quite impressed.

"… so if you allow me to observe and record the effects, I can monitor the progress of-"

He was supposed to go out and meet the candidates for his new squad today. He'd spent countless minutes observing trials and training sessions before picking the quirkiest handful of the bunch. He didn't have time to deal with Shitty-glasses and her experiments today- not that he ever did. Besides, the last thing he needed was to be peeling an extra layer of whatever concoction she had created off his skin and clothes while invigilating the final trial- he shuddered at the memory.

"So, how about it?"

"I already said no. Now move it, I've got a meeting."

"Ah, c'mon, Levi. Once I've got your consent and this works out I can finally approach Erwin with this. With you two on board there's only a forty-five percent chance Shadis'll turn it down."

"Not my problem."

Pushing past her, he opened the door that led outside and took in a deep breath. His gaze scanned the perimeter then wondered over toward the stables. Resisting the urge to go down there, he made his way toward the training grounds where he was supposed to meet the nominees for his new squad. He had taken ten steps before realising that he was being followed.

"The hell d'you want, Shitty-glasses?"

"I'm waiting for my answer." She said simply.

"You mean you're waiting for the answer you want to hear."

She grinned, "My, my, you're sounding more and more like an old man, Shorty."

He scowled, two hits in one shot, game on Hanji, game on. He resigned himself to the fact that she was probably going to follow him until he gave her the answer she was looking for- he wasn't- and continued to make his way to the training grounds. At least she'll be on-hand when he thinks of a come-back he thought.

"Ooh," she exclaimed excitedly "are those the young cadets who managed to grab the eye of our resident dark cloud?"

"Tsche"

As he approached, he noticed the petite ginger-haired cadet call everyone to attention as she herself snapped up straight in salute. Respect, now that he could work with. A few of the other men and women were a bit slower at movement he noted, but they all seemed to be sharp-eyed soldiers.

"Heichou, sir!" they shouted in unison.

He thought of bringing up the fact that they didn't greet Hanji but decided to count it as a point in his favour and turned to smirk at her as only he could- without actually doing so- when he noticed that the woman in question was no longer behind him.

"Bun-taichou, wait! Those are for trials please, put the tape away!"

Moblit was trying to catch up to the mad woman who had spotted a few of the test-titan dummies, whose proportions were grossly inaccurate. There was a long moment of silence as he turned back to the candidates in front of him, all of who were captivated by the scene unfolding in the distance.

"Oi, shows over. Get your asses ready, the trial begins in five minutes."

That Moblit kid was going to have his resignation papers in by the end of the week, he mused as the soldiers hurriedly prepared themselves.

* * *

Six hours and four handpicked, new squad members later, his nerves were on end. Hanji hadn't approached him again not once about her little 'proposal' and he was beginning to fear that she had foregone her original plan of gaining his consent before performing whatever it was that she had planned. He really should have paid closer attention to what she saying earlier. He opened his office door and felt a little ray of peace settle his nerves at the sight and smell of it.

"Hi, Levi."

He almost jumped out of his skin. As smoothly as he could, he ran a hand through his hair and as far down his back as he could reach, she had clapped him on the back along with her greeting. It's not that he didn't trust the woman, he just didn't… y'know, trust her.

"I see your new squad seems to be quite excited about the promotion." She said, stepping into the office behind him. "Looks like there's a bragger in your midst now too."

She must've been talking about Auruo Bozard. The man had incredible speed and agility for his size, although the same could be said about Levi himself, but had a mouth and attitude on him that Levi had promised himself could be straightened out with a bit of discipline. He seemed to spark some fire in the short one (Ral was it?) as well. He needed them to learn to work as a team, as a unit of one mind. A few weeks of team-building would hopefully straighten all that out though.

"- so if you feel nauseous or dizzy at any time make sure to seek me out immediately, well, maybe send someone ahead while you lie dow- wha- hey!"

He grabbed her by the front of her shirt.

"What the hell did you just say?"

"You know, Levi, you really should pay more attention if you're going to participate in these experiments with me." She laughed nervously. "I can only guarantee that they'll be twenty-eight percent un-harmful after all, the rest is up to you to be studious about your own welfare, I mean, remember what happened last time with… "

Participate… experiments… you. These words slowly settled in and his mind –ever the traitor- couldn't have agreed more with Hanji. He did need to start paying more attention when she spoke. No, he thought, it's when she's silent that I should be focusing my attention on her, now what the hell has she done to me. Wait! What the hell was she saying?

"… should only last a few days. I really appreciate the help y'know. Erwin isn't around as often as he used to be anymore," she snorted "can't spare me the time of day of course, I completely understand his position in the matter, with Shadis-danchou allowing him the…"

He was starting to feel faint. Shit. What was going to happen to him. Geez, did she ever stop talking?

"… although one day I hope to capture one of the beasts, imagine the invaluable information we can gather then! Of course, I'd require your help then when the time come-"

"Shitty-glasses."

"Eh? Levi? What is it?"

"What the fuck did you do to me?"

"Oh, I g-"

"Bun-taichou!"

Moblit ran up to them in a panic. The man –to Levi's surprise- still looked as put together as he had that morning. Aside from the desperate gleam in his eyes. He didn't even finish before Hanji was sprinting toward him, hands in the air and shrieking "I'm coming! Don't develop without me!"

He was left standing there, wait, no- what? Sitting, he was sitting. When had he sat down? Watching the retreating figures disappear around the corner. Why hadn't he reached out to grab the stupid ass before she left? He could hear footsteps approaching, good. She was coming back, he was going to beat the crap outt've her as soon as she got close enough to grab from the floor. The floor? What the hell was happening to him? He found little relief in the fact that his floor had been vigorously scrubbed to near perfection- and maintained- just weeks before. He looked up at his desk, then his chair. Not a speck of dust, he smirked eyes slowly trailing to the floor. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to lie down here until he got back control of his body. He regretted little, and was sorry for even less, but he cursed the woman's perceptive skills and- what the… he stared at the trail of muddy footprints and felt his blood boil. That bloody-

"-already on the way to his office, I'll be right there."

He heard the footsteps stop outside his open door and glanced up, and up and up to see the tall man staring at the mud on his floor. In the distance, he could still hear Hanji's excited cackles echoing down the halls.

"Levi?"

Great, the last fucking person he needed to see him like this, somehow, this was probably all his damn fault. The man came round to his side of the desk and raised an impressive eyebrow in askance. He scowled and offered up one word as explanation, all the explanation that was required.

"Hanji."


End file.
